I've been angry

Now I know that anger is one of the stages of grief, yet I never quiet expected it to hit me like a mac-truck, and I must say, that I don't enjoy living with the mad-woman inside!

The thing is, I've not been angry just about my grand-daughters passing, but angry for so much of my whole life. Glaring at me have been the stepping stones that would quite well, too well, take me from the time of being very young right up to this past month; steps of tragedy and loss, heartache and profound disappointments.

I could walk along these stones of sorrow right up to today, without taking any large leaps whatsoever

So very much, that rightly deserves anger...

Thankfully, I know enough (learned a few years ago) to harness anger, and to make good use of it. For there is an energy and power in anger and for my life... if I just don't waste it and splay it all over the place.

And while I have 'lost it' more times in my past two weeks than I care to admit (which only adds to sorrow), I can nonetheless feel the resilience of strong woven fibers knitting themselves into my backbone, cables of steel or some dense jungle fronds braided...

Crazy I know, but I can feel it, literally

A deep work is being done, strength is increasing, new resolves are forming, beauty is becoming refined, and I feel a laser focus that, quite frankly, feels really good.

And while I don't know where all this will take me, and I don't know how much longer the mad-woman-inside will be around...

I need some of this to stick, need to be rid of passivity in every measure, and with anger well-harnessed and made-good-use-of, I will find (am already finding) clarity of mind and being, that increases gracious strength and beauty, and impels me to action, for myself yes, but ultimately and primarily in service of others...

And while anger isn't a nice part of the journey, (I am not really enjoying myself), it is good, very good

And I am a little bit excited to see what comes of it...